Well, someone had to start it. Post them up just please not too risque.
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Bought a vinyl record of wasp noises yesterday. When played it sounded nothing like wasps to me then I realized I was playing the bee side.
I got one
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Pep
I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I didn't put in enough shifts.
Two men at a bar were arguing about if a man could become a woman. A scientist walked up to them, and said he was involved with an experiment about that very subject.
They took 50 men, and gave each of them 10 shots of whiskey. They came to the conclusion that 100% of men could become women - because they started talked nonsense and couldn't drive.
I applied for a job at the mirror factory. I could see myself doing that.
People with conflicting names...
Gary Numan vs Gary Oldman
Britney Spears vs Brooke Shields
Marvin Gaye vs George Strait
Diane Farr vs Glenn Close
Amber Heard vs Mos Def
Lyle Lovett vs Norman Leavitt
MC Hammer vs Jimmy Nail
Ruby Wax vs John Wayne
Genghis Khan vs Immanuel Kant
Steve Swallow vs Mark Spitz
lol.
Just witnessed a man collapse onto the luggage carousel at the airport.
Worked out OK though he slowly came round.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I relabeled my wife's spices in the cabinet. I haven't gotten in trouble yet...
But the thyme is cumin....
I have a phobia of speed bumps ..... but I'm slowly getting over it.
I didn't understand why the baseball was getting bigger..... Then it hit me.
We got overrun with insects. Had to call out the swat team.
I'm dying to see if I miss the Doctor's cute nurse again this week. Just missed Ana Phylaxis by a tiny amount last time.
Dating in your 40's is like shopping at Goodwill.
Few options
Questionable quality
Gently used ;D
What's the best kind of dog for retrieving data?
A labragoogle.
I have airport disease. It's terminal.
I have a fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My 10th grade English teacher was lecturing "In English," she said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I worked at a muffler shop, but had to quit because it was exhausting.
My wife just incorrectly used the term "mansplaining" and now I don't know what to do.
The Mars rover Curiosity is still working after 13 years on the planet. The latest picture returned finally shows signs of life.
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No matter how good the handsoap smells it's never a good idea to walk out of the bathroom sniffing your fingers.
Not all metal fab is equally exciting. Fastening sheets of metal together is riveting, but enlarging a hole is boring.
Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found Himalayan in the road.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
I quit my job at the helium gas factory not long ago. I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
What's the best part of Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag's a big plus.
I saw a man walking down the street with a box under his arm. I had to double take when I saw what the box said. It was goose medicine.
I stopped him and told him that I just had to look into his box. He stated it's just goose medicine. I said I know but what's good for the goose is good for the gander....
I once knew a man from Nantucket.
I bought my wife a new fridge. You should have seen her face light up when she opened the door.
I built a model of Mount Everest. A friend asked me "Is it to scale?" I said "No, it's to look at."
I saw two huge black birds in my yard this morning, and they were stuck together.
They were velcrows.
I have a joke in sign language. It's never been told.
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I see I am not the only one that misses the politics board! 😁
Quote from: Uncle Buck on Apr 06, 2025, 08:43 PMI see I am not the only one that misses the politics board! 😁
Didn't know you were into darts.
The swordfish has no known predators except the penfish. Everyone knows the penfish is mightier than the swordfish.
Can anyone tell me what oblivious means?
I have no idea.
When the creator of the Hokey Pokey song, Al Tabor, passed away his funeral was planned to be an epic event. It was to be attended by many fans of the song from around the globe.
But when the funeral home staff were placing Al into his casket, something went amiss.
They put his left leg in.
He put his left leg out.
And that's when the trouble started.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but I slowly turned myself around.